Army Post Road

So I found out this evening another friend is getting engaged.  That makes my sister, two cousins, and another friend/former love interest who are already married.  On top of that two ex-girlfriends and three more friends who are engaged.  It's not even that any of them are really so old that you'd think they'd be getting married.  The oldest of them all, my sister, is only 25 and the youngest is 20 and she was married when she was 18!  It's not really anything I can wrap my head around.  It's not just that I'm nowhere near getting married, I'm still trying to get relationships to last more than a few months. 

I had easily the best conversation with a co-worker, and one of the most direct with another guy, today that I've ever had.  It was scary the personalities we have in our personal lives and chilling the similarities in the struggle we're both having with reconciling with women who are better people and far stronger than either of us.  While I feel no more strength in knowing someone else acted in such a similar way that I did towards a young lady who deserved far better than either of us gave, I do feel heartened by the fact that we both feel it so important to come to terms to what we did and being devoted to making it better.

While I only feel comfortable calling it marginally above non-existent, I must confess I want to rebuild what's there to an amorous relationship.  Believe me, I know it's difficult and uncomfortable at this point to think about but that's really my heart's desire and I have to admit to it, regardless of what's going on around it.  I know the difficult road ahead towards just being friends but I still hope. 

Even if it's uncomfortable to think about after what I've said above, I without any reservation and trepidation want to work towards making amends for how I was and what I did.  I've said it a number of times before but I'll confess to every wretched thing I did and said in a heartbeat and I'll do like Sisyphus to try and make it right.

And now that I've probably dwelled too long on the issue for one entry, I'm in Omaha atleast for Tuesday and Wednesday, possibly parts of Thursday.  Chris and I are doing special projects here and we believe in Cedar Rapids this week and possibly in Des Moines in the next week or two. 

Now that I know I'm not alone in how I feel and what I feel I've got to do and what I'm doing the world feels a might bit warmer and brighter now.

Two thoughts went through my head this morning that made me realize adulthood has a terrifying grip on me:  I realized I'll be working for atleast 11 days without a day off and I shrugged it off and went, “eh” and the concious realization that I was single didn't really depress me.  That second one I really thought would bother me.

This is one of those days when a million thoughts have been whirring through my head but I can't get any of them to cohere. 

As searing as it hurts, I suppose it's only just that I was so despicable and now I can't get a second chance.  I know how I behaved last winter showed nothing but disrepect and a total lack of consideration and now I so singularly and completely want to show that I'm not that horrible person I demonstrated myself to be.  I get a horrible sinking feeling when I think about how beautiful the opportunity was and how all of the fall-out from it wrests entirely upon my shoulders. 

I just pray that I can get a new chance.  I know I can't replace the memories of how I was.  I just want to make enough new memories that the good ones out number the bad.  It's impossible for it all to happen overnight but I'd like to be able to work at it for as long as it takes.

I think my subject speaks for itself.

“You have all my pants.”

On the bright side, I'm working the day schedule at work this entire week.