Army Post Road

Just how much of a fuck-up I've been over the past 10 months has become entirely evident to me this past week.  I realized a few months ago how horrible I'd been to someone I'd professed to care so much about (quite often and publicly on here).  I was quite despicable at times and finally this week after I admitted to all of it and apologized for it it's sunk in even further to my heart just how horrendous I behaved and treated her, essentially from the moment we first started interacting. The whole time period starting in November, 2004 and became worse that December until recently I was just a low-life. 

I know you read this occasionally and please believe me I feel so much contempt for myself about everything I said and did.  I don't feel like apologizing just once is enough for the way I was.  I don't ever want to be like that again and wish I could show you that I'm not.  It's quite agonizing how much I wish I could start all over again from that first time you came over and treat you like a gentleman and an honorable man would.  I don't know if you'd ever want me to be that close again but I wish we could be and it's heartbreaking for me to know how much I wasted and threw away.

Compounding my self-loathing at the moment is the realization I came to this week about just exactly how much money I was wasting from the moment I got a full-time job until now.  I was nearly completely fruitless and unproductive towards fixing my financial situation and it's mind-boggling how much of a burden I put off then and made even worse now and in few months down the road.  Even before all the raises and premiums that I get paid now I succeeded in only paying off the back utilities, half of what I owe my former landlord, and $80-some to the University!  I did get my car fixed (in the sense that it was no longer a hoop-dee anymore, now it just isn't pretty) and suceeded in paying my recurring bills regularly and on-time for pretty much the first time but I still had so much more I needed to accomplish while I had the golden opportunity living at home.  I was making $1567 a month AFTER TAXES and what I outlined above is all I have to show for it!  I frittered all that away! My computer has a few more bells and whistles and I have a few other new toys but now I still can't go back to the University and I haven't paid off Heritage Property and I've accumulated other new bills.  I could have gotten the University paid off. I could have gotten Heritage paid off.  I could have paid those other bills right away.  I realized this weekend that I have to devote nearly a full QUARTER of my income on a monthly basis to paying off debts.  If I'd been responsible and had been paying off the University $400 a month and Heritage $400 a month since February or March, I would've had Heritage paid off in June and would've been able to start paying the University $800 a month and would've had them paid off in August or by THIS MONTH and I could go back for the Spring '06 semester.  But now, instead since I wasted the easy opportunity my parents gave me, I may very well not be back at the University until January of 2008!  I may not be able to start my junior year of college until nearly one year after I should have graduated!  That should be the second semester of LAW SCHOOL! 

We all thought that getting arrested and getting evicted last December were the final implosions in my self-destruction.  They were merely the loudest and most spectacular blasts in a chain that has continued.  I do not want to be that person anymore.  I truly want to be the man I know that I really am.