The frustration of how long it's going to take to get down to Ft Riley is hitting hard today. I'd like to get down there, get my year or two out of the way and get on with life and I'm looking forward to what I'm going to be doing down there. Mmmmm lots of frustration today.
Just how much of a fuck-up I've been over the past 10 months has become entirely evident to me this past week. I realized a few months ago how horrible I'd been to someone I'd professed to care so much about (quite often and publicly on here). I was quite despicable at times and finally this week after I admitted to all of it and apologized for it it's sunk in even further to my heart just how horrendous I behaved and treated her, essentially from the moment we first started interacting. The whole time period starting in November, 2004 and became worse that December until recently I was just a low-life.
I know you read this occasionally and please believe me I feel so much contempt for myself about everything I said and did. I don't feel like apologizing just once is enough for the way I was. I don't ever want to be like that again and wish I could show you that I'm not. It's quite agonizing how much I wish I could start all over again from that first time you came over and treat you like a gentleman and an honorable man would. I don't know if you'd ever want me to be that close again but I wish we could be and it's heartbreaking for me to know how much I wasted and threw away.
Compounding my self-loathing at the moment is the realization I came to this week about just exactly how much money I was wasting from the moment I got a full-time job until now. I was nearly completely fruitless and unproductive towards fixing my financial situation and it's mind-boggling how much of a burden I put off then and made even worse now and in few months down the road. Even before all the raises and premiums that I get paid now I succeeded in only paying off the back utilities, half of what I owe my former landlord, and $80-some to the University! I did get my car fixed (in the sense that it was no longer a hoop-dee anymore, now it just isn't pretty) and suceeded in paying my recurring bills regularly and on-time for pretty much the first time but I still had so much more I needed to accomplish while I had the golden opportunity living at home. I was making $1567 a month AFTER TAXES and what I outlined above is all I have to show for it! I frittered all that away! My computer has a few more bells and whistles and I have a few other new toys but now I still can't go back to the University and I haven't paid off Heritage Property and I've accumulated other new bills. I could have gotten the University paid off. I could have gotten Heritage paid off. I could have paid those other bills right away. I realized this weekend that I have to devote nearly a full QUARTER of my income on a monthly basis to paying off debts. If I'd been responsible and had been paying off the University $400 a month and Heritage $400 a month since February or March, I would've had Heritage paid off in June and would've been able to start paying the University $800 a month and would've had them paid off in August or by THIS MONTH and I could go back for the Spring '06 semester. But now, instead since I wasted the easy opportunity my parents gave me, I may very well not be back at the University until January of 2008! I may not be able to start my junior year of college until nearly one year after I should have graduated! That should be the second semester of LAW SCHOOL!
We all thought that getting arrested and getting evicted last December were the final implosions in my self-destruction. They were merely the loudest and most spectacular blasts in a chain that has continued. I do not want to be that person anymore. I truly want to be the man I know that I really am.
One very big thing that I should mention up front is I'm going to Ft Riley. It's a not-if-but-when thing. I volunteered after much asking and hinting from people varying from LTC Hildebrand to MSG Heckart and after the realization really sunk in that I wasted my opportunity to pay off all my debts living at home for free and I need to just stop and do all I can to wipe the slate as clean as I can so I can just buckle down and get finished when school once I get back in.
It was really good that I got to talk today.
Working the extra schedule at work is interesting. It's an opportunity to make anywhere between $50 and $80 more per week and I'm not stuck working in the same place and the same time near as much. It's a lot of the variety that was lacking that was making the job truly horrible in the first place.
I gotta get ready for work now.
Well I believe I took a big step forward today towards having a positive outlook on things. I came a few seconds away from talking myself out of owning up to everything I had to but it was a good thing that I did. I'm not sure what else to say at the moment but at least that's come this far.
holy cow. i can't believe myself. i'm not gonna talk about it at the moment
I finally get my computer to work after nearly a week without either of them working and I immediately go and read stuff that I have no idea why I punish myself to read. There's really some stuff that I should just not bother with at all but I guess I can't help but work to keep the wounds open. Grrrr
Update later
We've discovered that work just doesn't cut it anymore. Two weeks away from it enjoying what you were doing will do that to you. Puts into perspective just how much I was enjoying myself down in Kansas.
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