Army Post Road

I increasingly am incapable of having a series of connected thoughts right after another.  I also struggle with discriminating between what is a rational, mature thought and what is paranoia, or petulance, or self-pity, or any number of other irrational things.  I get so angry about something and then the edge comes off it because I begin to wonder if I'm justified in being mad or just being jealous, or hurt, or vindictive.  I get so much welled up in my head and my heart that I want to say but then I decide a different tact is better. 

I have so much pain and anger and hurt built up and the person I want to talk about it with is also the person at the center of it. 

I want to rant and scream and cry about everything in my head.  I want it all to stop tearing at me every day.  Sometimes it hurts and I just want to get over all of it and stop letting it hurt so bad.  But then right after that I think that if I get over it I'll have lost the only good friend I've had since December.  And then when I think about how we'd had a relationship and then it was lost and the feelings of abandonment seem complete at that point.  Right now, today, the feeling of abandonment became complete. 

I want so badly to think, to know that the idea of Patti and I having a relationship isn't over.  But the feeling that that just isn't the case gets stronger every day.  And usually, and with most people, that would help to get over it.  But the feeling of total abandonment and the ever increasing weight of things going bad for me won't let me let go of the one thing that let me be happy to any degree in the past five months.  It made me very happy.  And since, I realized how much of a good thing it was on so many levels in so many categories and that realization is another thing making me want it back more than anything right now.  I don't know if I can say or do anything to reverse the trend and get back on the road to having a relationship.  I don't think she wants to get back on that road anymore. 

In a limited post before, I said that one of the things that hurt me the most was probably the asymmetrical nature of our feelings.  I feel so strongly and cling so desperately and want her so badly someone who I don't believe let's me cross her mind more than when I force the topic. 

I would love to wax poetic for hours, to her and to anyone who would listen, to go on about my amorous feelings for her and to convince her that I am worthy of those feelings in return.  But that's just it.  I'd be convincing.  I don't want to convince.  In November and December, I didn't convince.  I didn't make the case that I was someone she should hang out with and I didn't make the case that I was someone she should kiss.  I can romantically recall so many details about those initial dates and feelings, but so what?  Those feelings weren't maintained and now they're probably just memories and fodder for poetry and journal entries.  I want to be wrong, I want so badly to be wrong.  Sometimes I think, “No no no, don't beg, don't ask, don't convince, don't supplicate for someone's affection.  Be charming, woo her with a smile and a witty remark.”  I can't say if that would work.  Charm on the internet isn't very charming and I didn't get to a happy relationship by being charming online.  I would love for charming to work. 

These posts aren't very charming.  I would love to be charming.  I have to say all this before I can be charming.  I don't know if charming would work again though.  I hope upon hope I can be charming again soon, I hope that I haven't said things here and directly to her to bar charm and warmth from being effective. 

I hope I haven't lost all attraction in your eyes and I hope I can be charming again.