Army Post Road

The second post I had today, while totally honest and accurate, was on second thought maybe not the right step at the moment.  I'll review it and maybe incorporate parts of it into something later.

I don't like being set-up to compete against another guy for a girl, intentionally or not.  I had enough of it in high school.  I am beginning to be very angry and frustrated with this situation.  I know I was just shy of giddy-like-a-school-girl the other day but now not so much.  I don't want to go as far as to accuse her of leading me on but it's something akin to that.  I also am probably guilty more so of putting on rose-colored glasses and blinders but none the less.  I am so infinitely frustrated that I got left behind like this.  Nobody did anything inconsiderate or malicious, but I'm also disappointed she let her interest wane just because of proximity and a lack of daily personal interaction.  I feel so let down that I put so much effort into maintaining this (maybe more effort as of late as opposed to the months of February and first half of March) and it seems to be brushed aside.  I feel like one of the of the things that has driven me so hard to get back to Iowa City as soon as possible is slipping through my fingers like sand and that makes me feel like how hard I've worked and what I've driven through since December are discounted by a measure now.

I know a lot of this is just hurt feelings and licking wounds but you don't have wounds without getting cut, right?

This was originally a private post but something made me change it to public.  Now we'll see how it goes.

What do you do when you want to listen to Slipknot at 930 in the morning but your dad is still sleeping and it would be prudent to listen to something a little less uh… edgy?

Uh…. listen to Slipknot, duh!  Dad sleeps too much as it is.

Ya know, some of my most pleasant memories from last summer and spring were from sitting at the Sports Column or Mickey's and, to a smaller extent, Brother's watching baseball.  Not even just the Sox (or the Cubs) but just watching baseball and sitting at a booth drinking beer.  I really want to be doing that again.

Grrr, one of the hardest things to accept is when you begin to perceive something is beyond your control and influence that you thought you exerted some influence over.

Well between Patti coming to visit on Sunday and going to Iowa City on Monday, I have a better idea of what the what and why are of our relationship (I labored over the phrasing of that for a few minutes, that's not even a good description of it).  It's quite the trying situation.  Not only do I have to balance my efforts to woo and be suave with not being overbearing but also I'm limited to how I can do that from 120 miles away.  Like yesterday, she made the joke that I could be a lot nicer so I took that opportunity to send a dozen white tulips (she's Dutch, hence the tulips) with a card that said, “See, I'm nice.”  And that's probably about the furthest extent I can go to between not wanting to be overwhelming and being in Des Moines.  I guess all I really can do is maintain until I get back to Iowa City.  Thank goodness she'll be staying in IC over the summer (well technically she'll be living in Mt Vernon and working in IC).

On a tangential subject, on Monday when we were in IC my dad and I went to Iowa River Power for dinner and Jen was our waitress.  She seemed very happy to see me.  I got the vibe she wanted to be more flirtatious than she was but wasn't with my dad there and it being work.  That also could be wishful interpretation, but since at the moment it's not of any consequence why not?

I think the Cambus bar crawl on the 30th will be very telling about a couple things.  The biggest thing is it'll be the best chance to work on Patti in a long while (forgive the phrasing).  If it's obvious quickly that things are non-starting with Patti then it could also show which ladies from IC have been thinking about me and missing me. If that seems over-confident than oh well.  I know there are some that have and I just want to get a determination of who and how much.  After the last two bar crawls it was pretty obvious.  What happened with Carla during the white t-shirt crawl still crosses my mind every time I get reminded of her.  Also Will's invitation to go to Florida and her excitement to see me (and expression of it) on her birthday still are with me as well as the conversation with Jen (a different Jen than I've talked about; you think I'd be weirded out about being attracted to girls named Jen but as evidenced by the number that I am apparently not.)

Work time.

“Just look at that sunset.”  “That's not a sunset Bart, that's a flaming bird.”

I was in Iowa City yesterday and it was fabulous.  I got to see Patti, Jen, and Jen and that was really cool (in that order too, you figure it out).  I technically saw Abby too and talked to her on the phone but I didn't get to communicate with her face-to-face. 

None the less, I do have a place to stay with the Phi Delts.  I just have to give'm my money and move in.  $350+$50 deposit FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMER! That's Monday, May 16 - the Friday a week before Rush Week!  You can't beat that with… well, some of you know what you can't beat that with.  The last piece of the puzzle is to find employment.   One or two feelers so far but I don't have any interviews lined up so you can see how far along that is. 

I've decided against trying to transfer to QuikTrip in Cedar Rapids because mostly that would just be trading in a jail sentence in Des Moines for one in Iowa City so the improvement would be negligible.  Plus the process would take too long, I could take as long as the first of June which is much later than I'm willing to wait.

I'll just leave it at that tonight.  I should get ready for work.

Ok, I've got a lot to say but I don't have the energy to stay up.  I did, however, not want to let my streak of 7+ days of posting to stop so I had to get this in. I'll elaborate tomorrow.

All I have to say is, “:-D.”  Thank you so much for today, it really was 100% what I needed, I'm sorry if it wasn't all that for you.

Here's a movie that will chop your socks off.

This isn't a good follow-up to yesterdays good news.  I talked to Patti this morning and we had this exchange:

[11:28] King Orbitao: do you miss me at all?
[11:30] Patti: i don't know…i've moved on, i'm trying to meet new people, and enjoy what i've got you know? why do you miss me?
[11:30] King Orbitao: yeah
[11:32] Patti: i'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear…but i am probably the biggest believer in God does everything for a reason…so i try not to dwell on things…i just am trying to live my life…i mean for the first time since i've come to school i'm starting to enjoy being here… so i don't know what that means…
[11:33] Patti: i mean i still want to be your friend…i just don't know if anything more
[11:33] Patti: but again, never say never, so i can't make promises…i don't know…what do you think?
[11:34] King Orbitao: hold on, haha i had something a second ago but ell scared me slamming into the door so i lost my train of thought
[11:34] Patti: lol ok
[11:38] King Orbitao: that answer doesn't surprise me, it's what i was expecting. not necessarily something like you've moved on but yeah.  i'm not mad at all, i just feel like i got left standing still in the middle of a stream or somethin'
[11:39] Patti: i'm sorry…i'm sure you'll be fine when you get back here, and start to hang out with people again
[11:44] Patti: dont' be sad be happy! i'm sure once you got to know me, you would have gotten real sick of me anyway :-p
[11:44] King Orbitao: that's going a little far but i appreciate the sentiment haha
[11:44] Patti: ok well i try

I'm not at all satisfied leaving it at that.  I don't know what to elaborate beyond that.  I don't feel betrayed or mistreated, but I certainly feel isolated.  That is reinforced very often.  Another painful thing reinforced was the advice about making a break-up swift and cut-and-dried and ruthless.  And this wasn't any of those, the sensation of separating has been stretching since the end of January/beginning of February.  It was an unclear milestone to a relationship that wasn't ever very clear because we never used the terms “relationship” or “dating” until the past two weeks. Like I said above, saying something like “moved on” caught me off-guard.  It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  But I suppose it was the first clear marker putting any definition to this relationship since the first time Patti came over at the beginning of December.   

This is one of those situations where I can't type stuff fast enough to keep it from getting lost in the swirl in my head. 

I can't help but worry that some of my posts about wanting sex and the like didn't help push her on.  That thought horrifies me. 

Also, her comment about meeting new people also struck me, she never really went out in Iowa City until she started hanging out with me and when I told her to start hanging out with Cambus people outside of work.  I don't fault her at all for making friends and becoming social but it's another strong part of moving away from me and I feel responsible for it. 

I want to keep talking about it but I have to sleep for a while.  I know it's not good to go to bed depressed but this is just one of those things you can't change right now.  I'm sure I'll have more to say about the whole deal later.

I knew calling Steve would help immensely and it did.  He says I can stay at the Phi Delt house for a while (we didn't discuss specifics of rent or anything but even still! ) so barring my mother getting in the way or something else, maybe back in IC by the end of April isn't unreasonable .  I'm so excited about this (and I don't think I can express it without sounding like an airhead).  I seriously wanna start jumping up and down.